This is getting old...

It has been about three months since I started "commuting" to my new job. At first I thought that I would establish this routine where I would work four long days in Salt Lake each week and then be home on Thursday and work from my St George office each Friday. Well after 3 months I have been to my St George office exactly twice. My plan lasted about two weeks but I was constantly adding extra days to my room reservations and making constsant changes in my plans. Suffice it so say that before the first month had passed I was officially "living" at the Crystal Inn. Yep I just went to the front desk and booked the room for a couple of months. It actually took a little stress out of my life because I could now come and go as I pleased and not worry about checking in, checking out, packing up all my things etc. I now "pack" to go and visit home.

Well it helped for a few weeks but as time goes on I am just tired of being alone all of the time. I work long and intense days and then go to an empty room and sit. At first I would go out and browse the book stores or get up early and go to the gym etc, but now most days I just work and then sit in my room. I don't wish to go anywhere because I have seen it all already and I don't seem to have the energy or desire to walk or to work out or anything I just work and then wait to go back to work again.

It is not all gloomy though, Lori and the kids have been frequent visitors and that helps a lot, and this weekend I will be going home for a couple of days and that gives me something to look forward to. As you know from Lori's blog there may be some light at the end of the tunnel, maybe just maybe we will be back as a normal family in July and I will exchange the loneliness for the noise and confusion of family life and the stress and pressure of two homes to worry about. That's OK I will take the latter over the former anytime !!!

A stranger in my own house?

These days each time that I return home after being gone for two weeks or more I go through a strange set of emotions. For most of the last 18 years when I would return home from a business trip I would always have a feeling of happiness when I would see the green of the Washington Fields from the freeway or the red of Kolob Canyons from the window of the plane. The familiar sights would assure me that in just a few minutes I would be home. Home to me is Lori and the kids, the comfort of my own furnishings, going to my office that has been the center of my work life for the last 14 years and friends and familiar faces on the streets and at church. All the things that I feel connected to and that are worth working for. As I mentioned home is also the Red Rocks, Green Cottonwoods and The St George Temple against the back drop of Pine Valley Mountain.

Not so much now, and that is what hits me every time that I see those familiar sites and know that I am minutes from home, or am I?

Obviously I am always glad to see Lori and the kids, except these days I seem to see them just as much in Salt Lake as I do here. I still love the scenery, it is just as beautiful but more like some place that you would visit, take a few pictures and then move on, you know, towards home.
As for the office and the stores that I have helped to build, well I am now just a visitor there familliar though I may be. And the home that Lori and I have worked so hard and spent so much on to make beautiful and comfortable, well it has become just a financial liability that has to be dealt with somehow in order for us to move on with our lives.

I don't mean to sound cold or even ungreatful for the good times that we have enjoyed, the friends that we have made and the beautiful and peaceful place that we have called home for so long but yet this is how I feel, to some degree, and thus the strange emotions that I mentioned at the beginning.

Here is the real "kicker" though. I stated that these are the things that I feel as I approach home each time, but as I write this I have been home for four day's, have been sorounded by family and friends and even spent some time hiking in Zion (one of my favorite places) and now I am packing to leave early tomorow morning. So what do I feel now? It can be summed up in a few words... I feel sad, almost to the point of tears, and by the way those tears usually come as I leave those green fields of Washington in my rear view mirror and head back to the place that I now call ???

Until next time...

A first time for everything

Today I did something that I have never done in my life, I attended church in a ward just to attend, without knowing a sole. I will admit that I did choose that particular ward based on the fact that our current #1 choice in homes was in that ward and I was curious to see what it was like.

Well here's a big surprise... It was just like every other ward that I have ever attended. At least now we know that there is a good variety of kids of all ages and a broad range ages and (at least by appearances) a broad range of backgrounds in the ward members. It kind of reminded me of a slightly younger and slightly larger version of our home ward, even the Bishop was bald! Some of the areas around this home are very affluent and that causes some concern for Lori and I because we want our children do grow up around a good mix of very "grounded" people, I was relieved in attending this particular ward because it seemed to have a good "mix" of people to associate with, again much like our home ward.

After church I visited my life long friend that lives in the area (Bill) and together we went to see his mother who is in assisted living center in Bountiful. Kathleen is growing older now and this was the first time that I have really noticed the changes mentally. She was an older mother back when Bill and I first met (I was about twelve) but over the years she has always been mentally very sharp, she still is "for her age", but her age is now nearly 90. I will make a point to visit her when I can, she has been a good friend to me for most of my life, a sort of "second mom" as I was going through my teenage years, it is tough to realize that she probably wont be with us for a lot longer.

One more quick "first"... This is the first time since my job change that I have spent a full weekend here without at least some of my family around, it stinks!! I miss you guys and want you to know that I love you.

Until next time...